


If We Are Destined to Burn

by wonderofasunrise



Series: Love & Loss [17]
Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: #2020ERGiftExchange, Canon Compliant, Canon LGBTQ Character, Canon LGBTQ Female Character, Character Study, F/F, Grief/Mourning, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Female Character, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28613238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderofasunrise/pseuds/wonderofasunrise
Summary: Sandy makes no apologies for doing the things she does to those she cares about, yet she can't help but wonder if she has failed Kerry amid a shared moment of grief.Originally posted on Tumblr as part of #2020ERGiftExchange.
Relationships: Sandy Lopez/Kerry Weaver
Series: Love & Loss [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033827
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	If We Are Destined to Burn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CreativeTadpole](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreativeTadpole/gifts).



> This was first posted on Tumblr as part of #2020ERGiftExchange, and as I already said back then, my apologies for coming up with a not-so-festive story for an event to mark the holiday season, especially in a year where everyone could do with a little cheering up.
> 
> For Isabel - one of the people who offered support and a shoulder to cry on when I was going through my own moment of grief over the last few days of 2020. I could never thank you enough, but I hope you enjoyed this little character study of Sandy.
> 
> Here's to a more decent 2021, and to universe finally giving us a little break.
> 
> x M
> 
> \---
> 
> Featuring excerpts from "For Island Fires and Family" by Dermot Kennedy

_Now wasn’t it love as soon as we knew each other properly?  
Living ‘bout half-right until a certain person got to me  
Nothing is secret  
Everything’s sacred  
How it ought to be  
Under the moonlight  
On a clear night  
On rooftops is where I want to be_

***

If there was one thing Sandy Lopez hated more than anything, it was the feeling of helplessness.

She was used to being in charge, of always knowing (and being able to perform) the solution to everything, yet this one night her vulnerability had got the best of her and she hated every second of it. Worse still, the very reason for it was currently curled up next to her, and there was no way she could avoid it.

She loved Kerry Weaver too much for that.

Her hand began to softly caress Kerry’s head, and the moment her fingertips met the older woman’s strands of auburn hair she felt a sudden jolt as though the gesture had been the most alien to her; she let out a gasp, though—much to her relief—Kerry remained deep in slumber.

Even in the dark of the night Sandy could see clearly how her lover’s eyes were still puffy from the events of today, and it killed her that there was only so much she could do to stop the tears. Kerry had cried herself to sleep, and Sandy had only been able to stand there watching her as it had happened. The good few hours Kerry had spent crying had been petrifying to Sandy, and silently she cursed herself for her inability to prevent her own feeling of helplessness from kicking in.

It had been Kerry’s decision to carry the baby despite all the risk associated with her age, knowing fully well that Sandy had her reservations about pregnancy due to her firefighting career, and Sandy had happily taken it for granted until today. It had been one of the many sacrifices Kerry had made over the course of their relationship, and now the list also included the pain—both physical and emotional—she had suffered while miscarrying.

The guilt over what had happened and how she had taken Kerry’s sacrifices for granted would never cease haunting Sandy, and it was the most crushing pain she had ever felt in her life—a feeling of pure devastation nothing had prepared her for.

She had not been there when the miscarriage had happened, and it had taken Kerry awhile to finally break the news. When she had done so tearfully, Sandy had been completely stunned, unable to let out any word because no word would ever sound right under this kind of situation. Deep down she had wanted to comfort Kerry, to reassure both her and herself that everything was going to be okay, but she had been unable to.

Partly because she could not guarantee that everything was really going to be okay, and she didn’t feel like lying to herself, and most importantly to Kerry.

And she hated herself for having been petrified while her wife had cried her heart out, though it was supposed to be a shared moment of grief. The moment both of them were supposed to mourn the loss of their child, yet only Kerry had been able to cry.

For the first time since they had begun their relationship, Sandy started to wonder whether she had failed Kerry.

Her wife _and_ their child. Had she failed them both? Could she have been at fault in any way?

Sandy knew Kerry would fervently deny that, but it still would not make her feel any better.

She had no doubt regarding her feelings for her and how much she loved her it hurt. But there were moments where Sandy asked herself if Kerry recognised that and understood why Sandy did the things she did and how everything came from nothing but a place of love.

Sandy remembered vividly the day she had outed Kerry, which had infuriated the latter, but Sandy had been firm in her stance that it had been necessary for Kerry, that it had aimed to make her understand herself better—in particular when it comes to certain aspects that she had only recently discovered. It had been for the good of both of them, Sandy had affirmed at that time.

Nevertheless a tinge of guilt surfaced tonight, which Sandy had been trying so hard to quell. She did not apologize for doing what she thought was best for those she loved, it had always been her way of doing things; yet tonight felt different in a way that she was completely unfamiliar with. Had Kerry been hurting because of this without Sandy knowing?

Wouldn’t Kerry let her know if that was the case?

Part of her was dying to know, simply because of how much she loved Kerry, but another part of her was not sure whether or not she could live with the guilt.

They had never brought up that day again since Kerry had confronted her initially; whether it was out of contentment over the situation or out of a desire to avoid yet another argument Sandy did not know. Until now it had never really bothered Sandy, but seeing Kerry in such a vulnerable position after today changed everything. Kerry’s formidable self had been challenged by a force so great for the first time, Sandy believed, since they had got together, and much to Sandy’s frustration it was not one of the forces she could brave to protect her beloved.

Her fingers now lingered on Kerry’s face, and she could still feel traces of tears. Another sudden jolt followed, but this time Sandy remained silent until Kerry began to stir in her sleep, which took Sandy aback slightly, but the redhead soon relaxed her head against her pillow again, taking a deep breath as she did so. Her eyes were firmly closed with the same pained expression that she had worn all day, and Sandy could feel her own heart beginning to shatter.

“Ker…” Sandy whispered. She assumed Kerry was far too deep in her sleep to listen, but then Kerry, in one swift movement, brought her hand forward so it now rested on top of Sandy’s free hand, and grabbed Sandy’s fingers in a tight grip. All the while, her eyes were still closed, and Sandy could see more tears flowing between Kerry’s eyelids.

“Don’t leave me,” Kerry said in a voice so faint Sandy could barely make out the words. “Don’t…”

Again, Sandy was left petrified, but this time she no longer held it back—it took her a good few seconds until she realized that tears had started raining down her own face.

For the first time in forever, Sandy was crying. Out of her and Kerry’s shared grief, out of the sight of Kerry so vulnerable before her, and out of her own helplessness and perceived inability to make things better.

Sandy had never hated herself so much.

“I’m sorry, Ker,” Sandy murmured, her lips now on Kerry’s forehead. “I’m sorry.”

For the time being, there was nothing else Sandy could say, but one thing for sure she meant the little she had managed to let out, and she prayed that Kerry understood it somehow. That, and how Sandy quietly promised that she would never leave Kerry, no matter what might stand their way. Amid the feeling of helplessness engulfing her, it was one of the only things Sandy could promise to never fail.

***

_So wouldn’t you let me know if you were thinking less of me?  
That’s what she asked me  
What was promised  
What we both agreed  
But truthfully if you ever go  
You’ll drop me straight to Hell, the seventh circle  
And I was talking with you earlier  
We were open and vulnerable  
It was wonderful_


End file.
